Sunday 24 June 2012

Bathe in the rays of my blazing genius

I have had a selection of brilliant ideas recently, probably due to the large amount of free time I have had recently. It's amazing what not having to study for a Physics degree will do to your creative processes.

Firstly, in a dream, I read a label on a tin of food which read "80% vegan, 95% vegetarian and pescatarian". Brilliant. First class. A low meat content is a marketing nightmare. However, vegan food is supposedly healthy (though anyone coming into contact with vegans may want to dispute this). So, sell the food as mostly vegan.

Another brilliant idea came off the back of the brilliant and comical invention of the spork. It is fun to say and to use. It is a multi-purpose camping delight. On the other hand, I think there is a gap in the market for non-functioning cutlery combos. If anyone from MenKind reads this, I wish to sell you my idea of the Spife, Knork and Foon Set, a full set of entirely useless bits of cutlery.

The Spife: the business end of the device is elliptical, entirely flat and gently serrated around the edges. It has no useful piercing tip nor hollow for scooping things up. Using it for cutting will end in frustration due to a regular back-and-forth motion being made awkward by the presence of a steep curve.

The Knork: a knife-shaped item, lacking a cutting edge. Instead, it is pronged, with the prongs lying at ninety degrees to the handle. Trying to pick anything up using this item will lead to the user looking a little bit mental.

The Foon: arguably the most useful of the three, the foon is an anti-spork. It is square headed and gently curved, but lacks prongs. Not having any kind of wall, it will make a very ineffective scoop.

All three are mine in their current incarnation, as is the idea of selling them in a set. If you steal the idea, I will find you and my rage will hurt you. Knorks of course already exist, but as useful things. However, Fofe didn't sound or look right, and combining the three cutlery names then gives me Fofe, Knoon and Spork. And everyone knows what a spork is.

I also came up with the soup spork, and the tuning spork. The tuning spork is actually a lovely idea- its a spork which chimes at a particular frequency. I just need someone to make is a physical reality, and then I'm set.

So, friends. Cast down the shackles of more intellectual pursuits, and dedicate yourself to the magic of glorious invention. It's terribly good fun.


No comments:

Post a Comment